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| The Queen of the Damned (condensed) A Vampire Chronicles parody by Twi, August 2000. Rated PG, I guess. LESTAT: Blah blah blah I'm sexy. RANDOM EVIL VAMPIRES: Lestat sucks. Let's kill him. DANIEL: I never should have done that interview. Now I'm insane. (He becomes a vampire.) JESSE: Having a mysterious aunt rules. I get to hang out at fancy houses with cute guys whom I only see after dark. (She becomes a vampire.) LESTAT: Being a rock star kicks ass. I get to be even more egotistical than usual. (Concert happens. All the evil vampires explode. The good ones live. Lestat gets kidnapped. A bunch of stuff happens.) AKASHA: Men suck. Except the ones I want as sex slaves. OTHER REMAINING VAMPIRES: You are wrong. AKASHA: Too bad. If you kill me, you'll all die too. (Maharet explains for many, many pages why Akasha is an evil bitch. Mekare kills Akasha and eats her brain and heart, becoming the new Queen of the Damned, hence the title. And there was much rejoicing.) OTHER VAMPIRES: Yay. MEKARE: *burp* (Lestat goes to England to harass David, the leader of the Talamasca, a group eerily similar to the Watchers from Highlander.) LESTAT: Want to be a vampire? DAVID: Not really. LESTAT: I'll be back. ANNE RICE: Did I mention I love cliffhangers? THE END  
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